This Pot of Beans Life by Seyi Awonaike

“ This Life is just a pot of beans “

To think that this morning the only worry I had was that I wouldn’t be able to connect with a guy that I like on a certain level that I'd like.

Now that’s the farthest thing from my mind. In truth I can’t even remember how his hugs feels like. I wish I could it’ll be a welcomed distraction. The only thing going through my head right now is  the anguish and pain in the eyes of a man I barely knew.

Someone I might never see again for the rest of my life. But his pain left a scar in my heart. His cry for help, his unanswered questions, floating in thin air, questions no one would ever have the answers to.Question he directed to no one and everyone present.

His questions left me with questions too.

Like why did he have to face me with his eyes red and puffy with tears, tears he will probably shed for the rest of his life.

All because God didn’t grant him his heart desires.

All he wanted was for his daughter to live and see another day. To be healthy and strong. To love and to live longer than him. To be the one to bury him.

Now all he has is his reality. His baby girl is gone, forever... leaving him with in an unhealthy space filled with hatred and anger directed to the one being I fear and respect the most...God.

He rained curses upon the heavens and the earth, on everything God made including he himself. In the depth of it all I could hear his desperate plea for a miracle, none came.

His daughter is dead, soon to be forgotten by some, the nurses, doctors, her friends and even me.

This life is a pot of beans, live it as it is and leave the rest to... God. I hope you live life without doubts and find love that you don’t need to question.

I hope I do too...

Try not to leave things to fate and destiny. Try to always live your own destiny, your own path. Make your path the right path. Be angry, be sad, hate and love for you are allowed to.

In the dead the night, this night I feel nothing. I guess I’m allowed to too. I’m filled with wonders on how I find myself in situations like this.

How death has made himself known to me in different ways but still hasn’t confronted me. I'd like to think I’m stronger than him but that’s a fool's thought. I’m no fool.

The man made a statement, no he asked a question, some of the numerous deep rooted gut wrenching questions he asked was, "Who is God? What does he give? What does he take? What the fuck does he want from me???"

I felt that, I guess everyone there felt it too. These questions he answered himself. He said “God is the devil, he gives pain, he takes lives, and he wants me to forever be a bitter man”.

After which he broke down and cried like a baby in severe pain.

All these while he never for once let go his child's body. Begging and cursing.

I saw a man insane with pain too much for him to bare and all I did was turn away, I couldn’t accept his pain because I couldn’t give him reassurance... peace.

No one can, not now or in the nearest future...May be never.